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I drove the speed limit down the long road by the river.  The beauty that was right beside me seemed too far.  It was as if I were looking through a high definition television screen– so real, yet, not quite.  The colors that merged in the sky were so bold but so calm.  Tasteless scents of the cool air moved around and tangled my hair as it obscured my vision from reality.  The world filled me but I was still empty.  I still feel empty; there is no point to a pencil and no sense in an incense, no meaning to a definition.  No definition in a shape.  No shape in a geometry text book.  Life is high, but high is not life.

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Let Them be Individuals

It bothers me so much that parents push their children to a certain career to the point where the child is even repulsed by the idea, because of the constant pressure.  When an idea is shoved down your throat, then it becomes unpleasant and makes you want to run the opposite way.  I can understand that it is coming from a good place.  Yes, you want your child to have a successful future and make lots of money to start a family and live well.  However, money is not everything.  It does not define how successful one is, however much you want to argue it.  At the end of the day, the one who is truly happy is the most successful.  I can say from experience that just because you have money does not mean that you will be happy forever.  It does cut down on the burden of worrying about payments, but as humans, we seem to never have enough.  You could be the richest man on earth, and still feel like you do not have enough.

In certain cultures, your career shows your social status, and that is also another reason why parents push their children so much.  They do not want their child to be looked down on based on what they do for a living.  But why can’t we just be more open minded and stop worrying about unnecessary things such as social status? Why are humans so driven crazy by power and who has it all? We are all people, and must learn to appreciate each other.  Stop worrying about your child’s money and social status and let them live to enjoy what they love.

As a parent, you are there to encourage your child to do greater things, but also to support them with their choices.  You might not see eye to eye, but both sides must at least try to understand.  No one wants their loved ones to live on the streets because they are so broke, but that is no reason to force them to pursue a high-paying-high-status career such as a doctor or judge.  I mean, if that is what they want, then, by all means, please encourage them, but you can only bend a branch so much until it breaks.

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Pre-Anxiety

New chapters of my life have always involved pre-anxiety moments.  I know that it will always be this way because that’s just the way that I react, well– maybe even overreact at certain prospects. Whether it’s the transition from moving to different places (Philippines to Illinois; Illinois to Ohio; Ohio to Florida) or meeting new people, I always get nervous.  

I could list a hundred events that gave me tachycardia, and caused me to be nauseated from thinking about it.  Driving out on the open road by myself for the first time was one of those times.  I freaked out so much, even though I’ve been driving with my mom on that same road for a long time. It’s safe to say that participating in activities that I haven’t tried before makes me nervous.

At every event, I had that little doubt in my mind that I would not be able to accomplish my goals.  Moving from elementary to middle and middle to high school were some of the (from what I thought back then) scariest.  However, the transition that gave me the most anxiety was going from sophomore of high school to a freshman in an actual college campus.  I thought that it would be so hard, and that I’d hate every minute of it.  I didn’t think that I would talk to new people, and that I’d miss high school.  That was all wrong.  I didn’t miss anything about high school, except for a few people;  and it wasn’t even as hard as I thought that it would be.

Now, I am in another transition that is causing my palms to sweat.  It’s another big step: going to nursing school.  I know that there will be hard times, and it might not be the way that I expect it… but I will remind myself constantly that it doesn’t matter….  As long as I keep moving forward, anything is possible.

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Frustrated because I don’t know

I hate feeling like this.  My Chemistry test is tomorrow morning, and I can’t get the stupid math problems down.  My frustration level is so high that I have to type it to let my steam out.  It makes me feel so stupid. Why can’t I understand!?!! 

I basically feel like….

If I had a table to flip, I would… But I’m doing my work on my bed.

I… I just don’t get it…

BRAIN! WHY YOU NO UNDERSTAND?!

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I Wish I Had the Words

I wish I had the words to describe

The thoughts, in my brain, that hide

Can see exactly what I mean

But when it’s time to show what I’ve seen

I get stuck

How do I explain

This thing that’s making me insane?

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What is your priority?

This question keeps lingering in my head.  For the past year, my priority has been college and getting good grades.  I’ve also realized that happiness shouldn’t be something that we put last on our list. 

Next on my list was getting a job.  After turning 17 a couple of weeks ago, I’ve turned my attention on earning money, mostly for my future years ahead as a college student and also for random expenses.  I wanted to afford my own things, without having to rely on my parents for money.  I wanted to start saving for the future.

But what’s more important that the future? The present of course.  I keep thinking of the possibilities of deaths.  As much as I’d love to save for my future life, it’s good to think of, again, my true priorities.  My true priority is my family.  I haven’t seen my grandmother for 8 long years, and I honestly think that it is more important to be with her than be with some materials that means nothing in the end.

What if I die tomorrow? What if she does? I know that it’s such a bad thing to think about, but that’s the perspective I look at.  I need to save up for a plane ticket to try and see her.  I miss her so much; I can’t even put it into words.  She is just like a mother to me: a lady who raised me for most of my childhood… She is so crucial to my life.

I love you, Nanay.  I hope you live a long and healthy life.

What is your true priority? Make sure that you pay attention to it before it’s too late.  Life is short enough; make the best of it.

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Fake Feelings

Have you ever felt awful and wondered why you were feeling that way? You try to remember what horrible thing happened to your day, but you can’t remember? It’s just that depressed feeling inside of you that you can’t comprehend. (Is it just me?)

Well, I was feeling like that today. I had no idea why. THEN I REMEMBERED. I was upset about something I read online.
It wasn’t about me, but emotionally, it got me all mad. I forgot about it, but the feeling stayed with me. Now that I realized it, I find it pretty funny. This happens to me all the time.

Weird isn’t it? Does that ever happen to anyone else? Haha.

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Please

Please. Make everything go well. Thank you.

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DIsappointment

You were my number one inspiration…

Notice how I said “were”? Well, that’s what you used to be.  There was no other person who I thought was smarter, and I felt most close to…  I thought I knew everything about you.  I tried  to understand, and I even covered for you because I thought that I was doing the right thing.  I love you.  What else can I do?

Everything was perfect, but in an instant, my greatest inspiration was gone.  Yes, you’re still beautiful and smart, but what happened? Look at me and the rest of the world.  Stop it.  I feel like a bar stool missing one leg.  Who do I look up to now? I’ve been left into the world, without my cast. 

I feel that everything I’ve ever done, I thought about.  In the back of my mind was always you.  I wanted to be just like you.  You were so amazing in my mind.  I would say, “what would she have done?”  Then I would have picked your choice, because I thought that that was the right choice. 

Now, I feel free, which is both good and bad.  It’s good because I can finally think on my own, read my own path.  My glasses were cleaned and I saw other things.  It’s bad because i miss you.  A part of you turned stupid.  Not stupid stupid, because like I said, you are a genius.  You are so foolish, yet so smart. 

I love you, but what can I do?

I’m so confused and lost.

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Thank you

My night has just been made. Thank you 🙂
Is there someone who just made your day or night? Don’t forget to thank them.
Smile.

Just smile.
There are more good people than bad out there.

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