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Pre-Anxiety

New chapters of my life have always involved pre-anxiety moments.  I know that it will always be this way because that’s just the way that I react, well– maybe even overreact at certain prospects. Whether it’s the transition from moving to different places (Philippines to Illinois; Illinois to Ohio; Ohio to Florida) or meeting new people, I always get nervous.  

I could list a hundred events that gave me tachycardia, and caused me to be nauseated from thinking about it.  Driving out on the open road by myself for the first time was one of those times.  I freaked out so much, even though I’ve been driving with my mom on that same road for a long time. It’s safe to say that participating in activities that I haven’t tried before makes me nervous.

At every event, I had that little doubt in my mind that I would not be able to accomplish my goals.  Moving from elementary to middle and middle to high school were some of the (from what I thought back then) scariest.  However, the transition that gave me the most anxiety was going from sophomore of high school to a freshman in an actual college campus.  I thought that it would be so hard, and that I’d hate every minute of it.  I didn’t think that I would talk to new people, and that I’d miss high school.  That was all wrong.  I didn’t miss anything about high school, except for a few people;  and it wasn’t even as hard as I thought that it would be.

Now, I am in another transition that is causing my palms to sweat.  It’s another big step: going to nursing school.  I know that there will be hard times, and it might not be the way that I expect it… but I will remind myself constantly that it doesn’t matter….  As long as I keep moving forward, anything is possible.

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Frustrated because I don’t know

I hate feeling like this.  My Chemistry test is tomorrow morning, and I can’t get the stupid math problems down.  My frustration level is so high that I have to type it to let my steam out.  It makes me feel so stupid. Why can’t I understand!?!! 

I basically feel like….

If I had a table to flip, I would… But I’m doing my work on my bed.

I… I just don’t get it…

BRAIN! WHY YOU NO UNDERSTAND?!

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I Wish I Had the Words

I wish I had the words to describe

The thoughts, in my brain, that hide

Can see exactly what I mean

But when it’s time to show what I’ve seen

I get stuck

How do I explain

This thing that’s making me insane?

.  .  .

 

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What is your priority?

This question keeps lingering in my head.  For the past year, my priority has been college and getting good grades.  I’ve also realized that happiness shouldn’t be something that we put last on our list. 

Next on my list was getting a job.  After turning 17 a couple of weeks ago, I’ve turned my attention on earning money, mostly for my future years ahead as a college student and also for random expenses.  I wanted to afford my own things, without having to rely on my parents for money.  I wanted to start saving for the future.

But what’s more important that the future? The present of course.  I keep thinking of the possibilities of deaths.  As much as I’d love to save for my future life, it’s good to think of, again, my true priorities.  My true priority is my family.  I haven’t seen my grandmother for 8 long years, and I honestly think that it is more important to be with her than be with some materials that means nothing in the end.

What if I die tomorrow? What if she does? I know that it’s such a bad thing to think about, but that’s the perspective I look at.  I need to save up for a plane ticket to try and see her.  I miss her so much; I can’t even put it into words.  She is just like a mother to me: a lady who raised me for most of my childhood… She is so crucial to my life.

I love you, Nanay.  I hope you live a long and healthy life.

What is your true priority? Make sure that you pay attention to it before it’s too late.  Life is short enough; make the best of it.

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Fake Feelings

Have you ever felt awful and wondered why you were feeling that way? You try to remember what horrible thing happened to your day, but you can’t remember? It’s just that depressed feeling inside of you that you can’t comprehend. (Is it just me?)

Well, I was feeling like that today. I had no idea why. THEN I REMEMBERED. I was upset about something I read online.
It wasn’t about me, but emotionally, it got me all mad. I forgot about it, but the feeling stayed with me. Now that I realized it, I find it pretty funny. This happens to me all the time.

Weird isn’t it? Does that ever happen to anyone else? Haha.

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Please

Please. Make everything go well. Thank you.

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DIsappointment

You were my number one inspiration…

Notice how I said “were”? Well, that’s what you used to be.  There was no other person who I thought was smarter, and I felt most close to…  I thought I knew everything about you.  I tried  to understand, and I even covered for you because I thought that I was doing the right thing.  I love you.  What else can I do?

Everything was perfect, but in an instant, my greatest inspiration was gone.  Yes, you’re still beautiful and smart, but what happened? Look at me and the rest of the world.  Stop it.  I feel like a bar stool missing one leg.  Who do I look up to now? I’ve been left into the world, without my cast. 

I feel that everything I’ve ever done, I thought about.  In the back of my mind was always you.  I wanted to be just like you.  You were so amazing in my mind.  I would say, “what would she have done?”  Then I would have picked your choice, because I thought that that was the right choice. 

Now, I feel free, which is both good and bad.  It’s good because I can finally think on my own, read my own path.  My glasses were cleaned and I saw other things.  It’s bad because i miss you.  A part of you turned stupid.  Not stupid stupid, because like I said, you are a genius.  You are so foolish, yet so smart. 

I love you, but what can I do?

I’m so confused and lost.

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Thank you

My night has just been made. Thank you 🙂
Is there someone who just made your day or night? Don’t forget to thank them.
Smile.

Just smile.
There are more good people than bad out there.

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To All Those…

First of all, I would like to address every single person who has ever been bullied in their life.  I just want to say that it’s sick for anyone to push down another person spiritually and mentally.  Millions of kids are bullied each day, some which even commit suicide.  I wish that they all rest in peace wherever their spirits are at.

BUT…

Ok, so I watched a video of this girl (I’m not going to mention her name, but it’s probably obvious since her video is viral) who was constantly bullied and finally ended her life about a week ago.  It’s a shame that lives just end that quickly; however, I have a certain opinion that many people would not agree with.  I know that it’s terribly sad that a life just disappears from this earth, but in this case I think that it could have been avoided.  Actually… I think that every suicide can be avoided.  I still don’t get why people think they can just get rid of all their problems by killing themselves.  It’s not fair. Why can’t you just keep living? There are SO much people who would love to have the extra years you have.

For a situation to be avoided, well… you must avoid the beginning that triggered the whole situation.  In this instance, the girl did something that she knew she shouldn’t have done.  It was a stupid mistake and she kept making more mistakes, as it even said in her video.  It’s true that we, as humans, make common mistakes…. but that’s why we LEARN from them! If you keep doing the same mistake over and over, then you’re not really learning anything are you?  This is really my opinion, but I think that the girl could have picked a different choice than what she did.  The actions she performed also made her look like she wanted attention.  It’s making me angry.

I know I sound like a heartless person right now.  Maybe I am…. but there are so much people out there who suffer from way worse: abuse from parents, no food, no shelter… I also want to express my sadness for her.  The girl who committed suicide.  As bad as the things she did, she didn’t deserve to die for it.  I really just think she could have prevented this from the beginning. She had a choice. 

Humans need to be stronger.  We are so frail… so sensitive to everything that happens to us.  WE need to stand our ground and live until the day that we naturally die.  The gift of life is such a special present; you can’t just throw it away when you think you can’t handle it anymore.

Just remember to stand up for other people who are getting bullied.  They might commit suicide.  Tell them why they can’t just end their life like that.  Tell them that there is too much to live for to get pushed down by stupid mistakes and people.  JUST LIVE.

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School Work

 

I was so proud of myself when I finished US History segment 2 online in the course of three weeks this summer.  The feeling of accomplishment just filled me.  WOW. I’m finally done with this… for now.

Not only did college start for me, but also another Virtual school class.  Yup.  Just when I thought I was so good for completing US History, I had to start on US Government.  I can tell you right now that I’d rather retake US history over again than have to read about laws and why the government is “Just so great and amazing and flowery! WEeeeeeee!” Virtual School tries to make US Government sound like it’s the most interesting thing in the world, when truly, it’s not.  I could care less about the laws of this country, but it might help out one day if I get arrested or something. (just kidding)  Seriously though.  That’s why I’m taking Biology.  It’s because I want to be a nurse.  I want to help people, mostly medically.  I really think that health is more important than politics.  Of course, they somehow tie together at some point but really… Who cares? Am I the only one who doesn’t?

 

Anyways, at the college, I take English Composition (basically a writing class).  I work really bad under pressure.  Every writing essay test I ever took in school made me so nervous.  I like having the time to get my thoughts together to make a paper worth an A.  Having a time limit just scares me.  On the bright side, most of the essays I will write for this class will be written at home, where I have time and resources.  What would I do without a thesaurus? My paper would sound childish and blunt.  No spices.  I actually love this blog now.  I’m going to type more and more just to practice for my future essays.  I’m trying to be a better writer.  It’s just I’m not really good with vocabularies; I only know small basic words and I try so hard to remember “intellectual” words that make me sound smart but I just can’t.  (That’s why I said I love the thesaurus).  I wish I’d be a good enough writer to get an A in that class.

Ok, college algebra.  Now that class is the easiest so far.  Out of all my classes, this is the one that I worry least about.  It’s mostly what I learned in middle school, so I just have to refresh my brain..  Pre calc last year was way harder than this stuff.  I think math is easier than english or science.

Speaking of science, I’m also taking Biology and Biology Lab.  This is crucial since I’m working on my nursing degree.  It’s sort of ironic that I’ll be mostly studying science, when I’m not so good at it.  My instructor told the whole class that Biology isn’t really about memorizing but more on understanding about the concepts and relating them with each other.  That’s a big sigh or relief for me, I thought, since I have short term memory loss.  Or maybe just complete memory loss hahah…  However, even if I do understand all that concept and stuff, I’ll still have to memorize the names of everything to even connect them with each other!!! It’s hard for me. 

This is only the beginning but I know the work will start piling up.  I’m not as terrified as I was before I entered the class, but I still feel like it’s a lot.  My best friend right now… the thing that can help me the most… is organization and time management.  That’s as true as it can be.  If I don’t have both of those, I will be like a domino… falling and falling, crashing into other dominos and equalling failure.

Maybe I should just be a hobo.

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