Day by Day


His amber eyes looked away into a far distant land that could not be found on earth.  Was it heaven? I surely did not know.  Heavy sighs engulfed the entire room but not even a depressed outcry could be made.  I was speechless,  empty.  There was nothing I could do but give him my time and love.  Was the ten years we spent together enough? I can admit that I was not the best friend that I could be, but I loved him with all my heart.  Remembering the time we ran out in the rain and shouted at the whole world made me cry.  It was one of the worst days I had in my life and I couldn’t take it.  But he was there, and we cooled off in the rain, washing away our pain.

His breaths got quicker and I could not slow it down.  I shut my eyes in anguish and awaited for the worst to come.  It wasn’t fair.  Nothing is fair, when it comes down to this. . .

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I Can’t Swim… *insert sad pathetic face here*

It’s true; I can’t swim.  I find it very embarrassing.  That’s just like someone who never got to learn their A B C’s…. or tie their shoes… or learn how to ride their bike.  Living in Florida, people here expect that you know how to swim.  As far as I know, all my other friends swim someone decent.  A lot of them are also pretty good at it, as in, they’re in the swim team.  Their hobbies include just hanging out at the beach to surf or be a semi-merman.  Ugh, I feel so uneducated (is that even a right term to use in this situation?)

You’re probably like… well, why won’t you just man up and learn?!! Yeah, I tried multiple times with multiple people.  I ended up punching or kicking them.  It was awful.  I don’t fully trust anyone when it comes to me in the water, even my best friend or my dad.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I guess I’m just really scared of drowning. BUT, my mom said I knew how to swim when I was two… how can I possibly just forget?

It was probably a decade ago that someone tried to teach me.  She promised that she wouldn’t let go when I tried to float, but she LIED!!! (that’s my childish self talking)… I was floating, all excited, then she let go! That’s when I lost trust.  She said that I was swimming by myself, but I was so terrified when she let go that I sank.

I hope that I end up learning so that I would stop embarrassing myself. The person who ends up teaching me (that works) would be a miracle maker.  Wish me luck… because I’m going to a birthday beach party this Saturday… *cries*

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Childish Wonder: Genuine Happiness

I never thought that I would stop playing with dolls, but that was the old me.  I thought that I’d be playing barbies with my older sister as long as we lived, and that it would always be like that: fun and games.  It did make me sad when SHE stopped playing first, but I still stayed in that childish wonder bubble that I thought would never pop.  Middle childhood was, collectively, the best time of my life (I say middle because I don’t remember early childhood so much.)  There was never really a day that was bad, and I had an ocean load of imaginative ideas that kept me going.  I would wonder how things worked, why certain things happened, always curious.  That was a time when I didn’t know much “facts” and when I really didn’t have much boundaries. Rocks would be entertaining to me.  The simple things always cheered me up. I was always genuinely happy.  I realize that it was a time when I didn’t care about how I looked or what people thought about me.  Of course, since I was just a child free from worries.

When I think about it, it’s mostly because the internet wasn’t exploding at that time yet.  I couldn’t believe it when a saw a little five year old girl with her own iPad.  The early 2000’s gave me a backyard to explore and  crumpled newspapers that I play-pretended to be freshly baked bread from my bakery (a.k.a. front porch.)  I didn’t have any electronics except for the television, which I watched a lot of cartoons from– but not so much that I didn’t have time to express my spontaneous imagination.

Having experienced two years in a college campus now, I feel that that child part of me is slowly being stripped away.  The innocence that provided me genuine happiness from simple items is diminishing.  Again,as a younger child, I didn’t think this would happen.  I saw many grumpy elders and adults that were so involved and stressed with their jobs.  I told myself that I wasn’t going to be like that.  I would always hold my barbie in my hand and find time to play.  I would be the grown up that didn’t get caught up with insane worries.  I would be a child at heart until the day I died…. Yet, I forgot about those thoughts.  I’ve been the opposite. I care about stupid things like how I look and how people would judge me.

I just finished watching one of my childhood movies: Spirited Away; that’s why I’m writing this.  When the movie ended, a surge of that childhood wonder came back.  The magic in the movie itself lifted me up: I was literally “spirited away.”  That’s when the thoughts of being my old kiddie-self came back… that breathtaking awe that no other thing can give me.  I am still feeling it now.  (mostly from the nostalgia)

So to my even-older-future self, I hope that you get to read this.  I want you to remember that there is still a child inside of you.   Don’t be an old fart, forgetting about  beauty in  simple things.

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Perseverant procrastination?

There is a basket of fresh laundry waiting to be folded at the side of my bed.

A million things need to be done… so much that I might just explode.  Surely you have had moments like these in your life? What do you do?

I usually end up overheating myself by doing as much as I can in one sitting.  This time is different, though.  I’m using perseverant procrastination.  Yes, I just made that term up.  You can tell because it doesn’t even make sense.  It’s almost an oxymoron in itself. 

However, what is perseverant procrastination (in my own made up terms)?  Let me first clear up that it is not the normal “useless procrastination that wastes the hours of your life” type of deal (for instance, doing unproductive “work” that does nothing to your life).  Perseverant procrastination is letting out all your stress by means of “expelling out your soul.”  I’m on WordPress, writing this blog, just for my own sake.  It’s taking my mind out of the nerve-racking  events that are happening and about to happen in my life; but just staring at my blog background… I already feel calmer.  The sunset just reminds me that the day ends to bring in the night, and that it will be okay. Life will always have its surprises. 

Ok, I think that’s enough for me to wake up.  I need to get on the folding of clothes and studying…

Have a wonderful night/morning everyone! 🙂

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Upgrade from a Couch Potato

I am not a couch potato. (Okay, maybe on certain days.)

I like to think of myself as an upgrade from a couch potato. Being so young, you would think that I’d be exploring the world (at least my city) and being out and about. The truth is, I really want to, but at the same time, it’s so much more peaceful in my room. Haha.

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“Happy Wednesday”

I was on my way to my car when a man passed by. He kindly  smiled and said, “Happy Wednesday.”

Hmmm… it is a happy Wednesday now, thanks to him.
It doesn’t have to be a holiday to make it a happy day. I’ll try saying that more often. So tomorrow will be happy Thursday.

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